I’m sorry, the woman I don’t love
After a heart-broken love, I lost my sense of love.
Seeing friends and colleagues around me building small nests, I also want to have a home.
So I met Xin with the introduction of a colleague.
Xin is a technician in a state-owned enterprise.
He looks average, petite, and doesn’t look well. He looks sick.
Her pale shells often have warm smiles, which makes me feel like home.
I’m tired of wandering, I just want to have a woman, a woman who forms a family with myself, even if it has nothing to do with love.
Xin made me notice the warmth of the home. Xin often sat beside me, held my hand, listened to me, and listened very obsessively. The eyes were full of worship.
Since the proud Lin left, no one has listened to my inner thoughts so seriously, and I have never communicated with them seriously.
From morning till night I leaned over in the laboratory with quantum and proton micrometer particles to move regularly.
It wasn’t until one year later that my doctoral dissertation defense was over, and colleagues in the college saw my uncle’s appearance, and then pulled up to meet Xin.
Colleague’s sister and Xin’s are neighbors.
Xin’s family has only her and her sick mother at home, and her life is very poor.
The only valuable thing in her house is the small house in the bustling downtown.
It was in this not-so-large room that, for the first time, I realized the warmth of the home, and the first time I strongly wanted a woman to live with me.
That is, in this not too big house, I kissed blushing Xin for the first time, and touched her smooth skin for the first time, becoming the first man in her life.
Those days are the happiest and happiest days of my life.
Every day, I go to that small house after school, and hug with Xin and cook her hot pot.
After dinner, I gave her a look at the falling snow outside the window.
Winter in Shenyang is cold and long.
One day, I took Xin’s hand and strolled on the streets of Shenyang. When passing by the Marriage Registration Station in Shenhe District, I saw that many young men and women holding marriage certificates came out of it very happily.
Looking at them enviously, motionless.
I said to Xin, “Want to get married?
Xin shuddered slightly, looked into my eyes, and thought.
The snow was so heavy that it fell on Xin’s shell one by one, and another piece melted.
I will hold Xin in my arms and say Xin we will get married.
At that moment, I was in tears.
After a long trek of love, after too many bumpy desires for home?
Or just want to find a woman to marry and live a mediocre life?
I do not know.
At that moment I just wanted to cry.
Once upon a time, Lin and I had approached the palace of marriage, but she pulled away.
I once met and got married after my doctorate, but now she is lying in the arms of an old foreign man in a strange and distant country.
The day I asked her to marry me, also at the door of this marriage registration station, she said sacredly, “I must be your wife in this life.
“It also snowed that day.
Do I love Xin?
I do not know.
Why marry her?I do not know either.
Ever since I promised to marry Xin, I have been thinking of Lin, somehow missing her.
I keep asking myself this question, do I love Xin?
Why should I marry her?
But there is no answer, I just feel that she can give my home the same warmth.
On the night when I got the marriage certificate, I saw Xin slept heavily beside me, as peaceful as a child, and laughed happily in his sleep.
I sighed, but it was Lin who was dangling in front of my eyes.
I know that Xin, who has not met for five months, and Lin, who have been in love for five years, are incomparable, and even Lin has hurt me that way.
Lin is going to pick me up in Germany. If Lin doesn’t return after leaving, my life with Xin will also be flat.
But she just appeared in front of me the day after I got the marriage certificate from Xin.
That day, I was in class. The teacher in the teaching and research room called me and said, someone is looking for you.
I walked out of the classroom door, turned around, and found Lynn standing beside me.
She is still so beautiful and extraordinary in temperament, but she has lost a lot of weight and has a lot of depression in her eyes.
I said coldly: “Miss, is there something wrong with me?
Did you recognize the wrong person?
Lin looked at me, her lips shaking, tears flashing in her eyes, she shook her head and turned away.
In front of Lynn, I always seemed to be strong, but actually weak.
As she was about to disappear at the end of the corridor, I chased after it, and I still don’t know why I did it.
She followed me to the dormitory and cried a lot.
She told me that she left me for Germany because the old German man used her to go abroad, which is a dream of her life.
She didn’t want to give up her dream because of her relationship with me, she has always been like this.
”I told you that I have a firm foothold in Germany and will come to pick you up.
“Lin did say that to me, but I don’t want her to pick me up in Germany this way.
“Now I’ll pick you up.
“After that, she put an invitation from a German college on my desk.
“Now you just need to get a passport and that college will provide you with a full scholarship.
“In the evening, I called and told Xin that there was something in the college and I would not go back.
This was the first time I lied to Xin.
That night, in the hotel where Lin went down, I was very happy when I embraced Lin’s carcass and lingered with Lin again.
I completely forgot Xin.
I was thinking about my next plan: would I fly to Germany and live a rich life there, or would I stay in China and live a quiet life?
Lynn has divorced the old German man and got a fortune.
I made up a reason to deceive Xin and returned to Xin ‘s house the next day. Xin hugged me happily and said, “Where did you go last night? I called you many times and you did n’t answer. I was worried about killing me.
“She brought freshly cooked dumplings, my favorite sauerkraut dumplings.
”Xin, I want to tell you something.
“Oh, let’s go.
I have something to tell you too.
“Xin was very happy and shy.
“I want to go to Germany. One of the colleges has sent me an invitation letter, asking me to study there.
“I made up a reason to lie to her. ”Kanger, this is a good thing.
Well, can I bring my family there, I will go too.
“In Xin’s eyes, we are already a family.
She is indeed my legal wife.
Seeing me staring at her very seriously, she quickly put out her tongue, saying that she was playing with me.
”Kanger, I also have an important thing to tell you.
“Xin Huan is all flushed.
Xin bowed her head, as shy as all happy women, and pale shells flew into redness again.
”What do you want?
“What she said seemed to be a sunny day, and thunderbolt completely stared at me, so it seemed to take a turn for the better.
”I want to give him birth. I want to have a child who belongs to both of us.
“Hit,” hit it. I don’t know when I will be back in Germany.
The college stipulates that married people cannot go.
“I told Xin the reason I had arranged.
Xin’s face suddenly turned pale.
“Why can’t you go after being married?
She asked, her voice trembling.
Xin never spoke again, ate in silence, cleaned up the chopsticks, washed my socks as before, and hung them on the heater.
Then curled up in my arms and wept silently like a helpless kitten.
”Xin, don’t be sad, or I won’t go.
“Seeing Xin’s silent cry, I felt very sad, and tried to comfort her, but could not find a reason.
Why don’t you go again?
“Xin looked up and asked me.
“Well, that’s it .” I continued to gather reasons, orchestrating lies.
“That school doesn’t offer scholarships, um, so I can’t go.
“You mean, go there without tuition?
“I want to comfort Xin and release the marriage formalities before I explain to her.
This may hurt her less.
After getting up the next day, I found Xin’s eyes were red and a little swollen.
She didn’t sleep all night.
I told Xin, “I won’t be back in these two weeks.”
There are a lot of things to do in the college. It takes time to get passports or something.
Xin smiled and said, “Okay, let’s do your business. I’ll call you when we go through the formalities.”
“Xin sold the house for me, and Xin’s procedure to dissolve the marriage was quite fast, less than five minutes.
When it came out of the marriage registration, it was still snowing.
These days, Shenyang is always snowing.
When I turned and wanted to leave, Xin’s tears burst out again, but she was still smiling.
The snowflakes fell on her, fell on her nose, and when I wanted to flick for her, it melted into a drop of water.
“Let’s go sit there.
There is a small cafe next to the marriage registration station. There are no people in it, only a few waiters are standing at the door.
There was soothing and sad music in the cafe, and I sat there watching Xin sip coffee, and could not find any reason to comfort her.
From getting a marriage certificate to dissolving the marriage, it is only two weeks.
Xin was obviously thinner and his face was yellower.
”When will you go to Germany, I will send you.
“Xin spoke first.
“Not necessarily yet.
The visa didn’t come down.
“At that time, the flight ticket to Germany was already bought. It was in my trousers pocket. I didn’t want to, and didn’t dare tell Xin. I was afraid she would know that I would go with Lynn.
“You go there, you are not familiar with life, you have to take care of yourself.
Call me when something comes up.
“Xin’s tears shed again.
“I answered, and there was another silence.
“After meeting you, I felt like you would not belong to me.
Are you a college teacher or a doctor.
I’m a factory technician, and the two of us are too far apart.
But I like you and worship you.
Later, you proposed a bow tie marriage certificate to marry me, and at that time I thought I could finally be with you.
I was overjoyed then, but now . “Slowly.
“You go, it will be three or four years there.
I’ll wait for you. I’ll get a marriage certificate when I get back.
Do you want me then?
I was so distressed that I nodded.
“Someone here is ten thousand dollars. You can use it as tuition.
“Xin took the green bill from her bag.
”How come you have so much money?
“I hate it.
“This is what my mother gave me.
“” Your mother doesn’t even have a job. How can she be rich?
“I asked eagerly.
“My dad stayed. My dad is an engineer.
“I was sore in my heart that was speechless. It was this ten thousand dollars that made me feel heavy.
At that time, I had a scholarship to go to Germany. I bought the air tickets, and I didn’t need to spend a little money.
Besides, she had found a job there early and had enough money for me to go to school.
On one side is Lin, whom I love deeply, and on the other side is Xin, who loves me deeply. Standing in the middle of these two kinds of love makes me dilemma.
do not love.
She was just the emotional consolation after Lin left me to make up the glue of the wound.
I want to tell Xin, please don’t be silly, I don’t love you.
But I can’t say so, this can only increase her pain, it might as well leave her a trace of dreams, and let her comfort herself with dreams that cannot be achieved.
Leave or stay?
After two days of hard weighing, I decided to leave Xin.
Before leaving, I want to return the money to her and tell her the truth, so that she doesn’t wait here stupidly, that would be unfair to her.
When I knocked on the small cabin of Xin’s house, a strange man leaned his head out and surprised me.
“What about Xin?
“She moved away and she sold us the house.
You can find her elsewhere.
“Where did she move?”
“I asked eagerly.
“Well, it seems to have moved to their factory.
“I was in the neighborhood next to her factory. When I saw someone, I asked,” Is there a new one here? ”
There is a girl named Xin.
“Finally, I saw Xin’s mother at the gate of a small courtyard deep in the alley.
She was in the coal-fired stove, and the smoke made her cough.
She was surprised to see me coming and asked me, “Kang, haven’t you gone to Germany?
The squatter huts were small and cold, the windows were not glued, and the wind was blowing everywhere.
“Auntie, are you here?”
“Hey, I’m not going to charge you tuition and sell the house.
“That money wasn’t left by my uncle?”
“Where is he rich?”
Make you rich during the Cultural Revolution?
I felt so sad when I sat there for a while.
When a woman gives everything for you and loves you innocently, you tell her cruelly that I don’t love you. I love others.
I can’t do this.
Xin knew the truth and I went to Germany.
I was surprised to see Xin return.I hugged Xin and said, “Xin, I’m not going to Germany.
Let’s get married and end it now.
“A word made Xin’s tears” shed “.
She leaned over me and wept bitterly.
”Kanger, you go, I know everything, Lin met me today.
This is the money she gave me, and you give it back.
I don’t need money .
“Xin said he took 20,000 US dollars out of the bag and put it there,” Kanger, you know I love you, I don’t want money .
Xin said crying for a long time, she was calmer, and said, “Kanger, I know you don’t love me, even if you marry me, you will leave me.”
Stop being stupid, let’s go.
Lynn is a good girl, you have to treat her well.
“Xin Xinran was still laughing, but tears kept flowing.
When the plane left the airport, I overlooked the night sky in Shenyang, and tears flowed down.
Nothing else, it’s for the woman I don’t love but she loves me-Xin.
Six years later, I came back to find Xin. After studying in Germany for a year, I was hired in advance by a research institution.
The next year Lin opened a communications equipment company, where I was in charge of technology, and she was in business.
Because of her excellent organization and management capabilities, this small communications company has been able to rise year after year.
By the fourth year, the company had made millions.
But I was not happy at all, I was always overwhelmed by the cross in my heart.
I feel guilty of Xin.
Every night I wonder how she is doing?
Is she married?
Does she love her man?
Over the past six years, when I repeatedly sent 100,000 US dollars to Xin, I was repeatedly returned.
The receipt said that no such person was found.
For six years, I have been thinking about Xin, has Xin been laid off?
Those factory officials have not been very good. When I left Shenyang, they had not been paid for months.
Xin doesn’t have the skills, strength, and thin body. How should such a weak woman survive?
For six years, I have condemned myself conscience.
Finally boarded the returning plane in May this year.
I ran all over the streets of Shenyang, but never saw Xin again.
Some people said that she had gone to other places, and some people said that after the death of her mother, she made a living by picking up rags; some even said that she stood on the side of the street and became a “miss”.
I hate myself immensely because I brought her to such an extent.
Although I don’t love her, she sees me as her spiritual backbone.
When she knew that this pillar would be taken away by other women, she still smiled and sold the house to raise tuition for him.
When I walked downstairs to the downstairs of her house again, I heard a little girl childishly asking, “Uncle, do you want buns?
Sauerkraut stuffing, one dime.
“I squatted and hugged her, said,” Yes, where?
“There,” the girl pointed, and a thin woman was selling buns to passersby.
My heart trembled with a heart attack, wasn’t that Xiner?
She trembled as I grasped her with trembling hands.
Then, tears like a broken bead kept falling, and then fell down and cried on my back.
”Mom, why are you crying?
“The little girl cried with Xin’er’s legs.
“Little girl, what’s your name?
What about your father?
“To hide my feelings, when I was hugging the little girl, I secretly wiped the tears from the corner of my eyes.
”Nian Kang, my name is Nian Kang.
I don’t have a father, my father has gone abroad.
“Ah, this sentence broke my heart again.
I know that in this life, no one will ever forgive me, including myself.